My bipolar so coordinates with my cycle.

It was news to me to finally have it put in my face by my fabulous book 'A Brilliant Madness' by Patty Duke that the above statement is true for many people.

In a way, it's a no-brainer. Sure you get cranky during your cycle, that does not necessarily indicate that you are bipolar of course.

But if you are bipolar, Lord help us all when some of us get our cycles. It's already a cyclical illness and it seems that now there is scientific proof that they are linked.

In my life, it seems obvious now that it is clearly played out that way. Even when I look back on my imood - oh, tired one week, feeling great the next. Oh, they are so linked. I am nearly shocked at the obviousness of it yet how much I never really thought about it, until I read about it.

(For better clarification, scientific proof and case studies see that book 'A Brilliant Madness').

So the other shoe drops.

I am stressed, irritable, cranky. All of it. Even though I have read in my Patty Duke 'A Brilliant Madness' book that your bipolar is likely to strike you during your PMS time, it doesn't help one bit - know what I am saying?

I know that being irritable with people is a sign of my bipolar (as told to me by my last therapist). Does it help to make me feel less irritable? No.

I actually feel a little relieved that I am finally experiencing the crank. Like that is the real purpose of my life, which I have steadfastly been denying all this time, but why not just give into it.

I'm so incredibly stressed about money. I could never make enough to cover all the expenses. It is SO depressing when you do all that you CAN and it is still not enough.

Good things.

Hmmm, so I am trying to think of something new to write on the blog. I think I am feeling well these days, very even, like the medicine is keeping me right and that I am at the right balance right now.

I have been able to work my part time job solid ever since coming back from my severe low a few months ago. This has been a good thing.

The new therapist seems very understanding.

I do have restlessness in my legs and I am nearly certain that this is the Abilify, but I am not overly upset about it. I have kept busy and think about things to look forward to, such as baking for Thanksgiving and a Thanksgiving party for work.

Also, I have some handiwork projects going - a cross stitch and some crocheting - hopefully to be done for Christmas, so that has been keeping me busy as well.

When I am at work, I am around people, and mind-boggling to me, I am getting paid. I feel like I am getting better all the time, maybe someday I can lead a support group - that is starting to be a goal of mine. I don't think I am there yet, but I see a time when maybe I could do that.

A little oasis.

I started seeing a new therapist this week.

I had actually seen my old therapist for 10 years and then one Friday three weeks ago I talked to her and she said the next week was her last week. Just like that. But for some reason I haven't grieved over that, although I think I might be mad (just trying to gauge what emotions I am having) at how lousy the County system is.

I'm getting out of the County system that I have been in for 15 years and going to use my private insurance that I now have after my marriage. It's taken their charging unbelievable amounts of money for services and being pushed out of the system to finally get me to do it. So maybe it was a good thing that she bailed on me.

So this new therapist experience is really amazing. I think I may have mentioned months ago how I was blown away by the waiting room alone (I saw her once then we had to get an insurance issue fixed, so seeing her this week was our second meeting). It's full of positive sayings, real chairs with pillows, a little waterfall, beautiful music playing and positivity oozing all over the place. So it's like walking into a little oasis off the street.

My new therapist seems very understanding of bipolar. She discussed that she feels that bipolar can be a difficult illness to treat and that for some mental disorders meds don't seem as important as they do for bipolar. That it's 60% importance of the meds, 40% talking/psychotherapy - which I agree with. As a person who has been doing this for twenty years (taking meds and do the talking therapy) I see that assessment and agree with it, for myself.

I seem to cry every time I see this woman. I think she is still trying to assess me, well I know she is, so she has to ask a lot of stirring up questions.

I cried this time having to do with why I relate to Patty Duke's 'A Brilliant Madness' so much when I was feeling my lowest (I couldn't do much more than breathe or surround myself with Pugs on the couch and then I picked up that book off my shelves and Could Not put it down. Read like 80 pages without thinking about it). I tried to tell the therapist that I cry thinking of the larger picture of bipolar, what a monster it is, then I stop crying as I tell her about the book, because someone understands so completely as they honestly recount their life going through it, leaving no detail unspared. I love Ms. Anna Michaels (Patty's real name) for it. Thank you, Anna.

Feeling down again. Since this is my blog about bipolar I thought I should say so.

Actually, it's more like feeling okay...Then feeling down again. Up. Down.

I know bipolars out there understand.:)

The Reunion and 80's Dancing was a Blast!!

I was brave and actually went to my 20th high school reunion and had a blast. The dancing was the best part, I never get to do that and have wanted to for a while, and had an utter blast. It's so funny because so many people need a drink or two to get out there and I did the whole the thing completely sober (as I do my whole life, hee hee).

Being medicated properly for my bipolar made me see things differently about high school. Who the heck cares about the old days? I know I'm okay for the future (especially compared to how I felt then - the future could sometimes seem scary, but noone knows how it will be) and I'm so thankful.

I got to see wonderful friends and yes some of those old clicks were there, and yes there were some people that wouldn't even talk to me (!) but some that I was shocked Did actually talk to me. None of that high school stuff matters now, for Real!

All that dancing made me actually exercise on Saturday. So today I actually wanted to continue it, and I actually got on my elliptical. For 11 minutes. Then I was getting worried about my little pug being outside (one of my anxieties) and the phone rang, both giving me good reason to get off. But I might do 10 minutes more today. Let's see if I can keep up with it.

Another thing that made me think exercise might work today is seeing one particular person who had changed the most from high school. She just looked so different, and yes she had lost weight and looked gorgeous, but she was still the sweet kind girl I remember, actually nicer really. I thought hunh, I've got at least 5 more years to shock the heck out of the next class reunion, AS IF I care, but it would be fun to work on it, just for me.

It wouldn't have really mattered if I had gone to the reunion, but I'm glad for my own personal self, because I didn't let something that I was a little afraid of turn me away. I had courage in face of the monster and showed up anyway. Love thyself.

Good day.

Had a good day. My friend is here. I made a batch of Hot & Sour soup for her. She liked it okay, except for the mushrooms. It made a nice lunch.

I did our nails and we got to talk a lot. It was a nice day.

Emma's eye is healing and she gets hopefully her last vet check for a while on Wednesday. It really was nasty for a while but is doing better because of the drops we've putting in.

I wish happiness for my blogger friends.:)