It's been a hard few days. I don't take physical illness very well, I am very hard on myself (and maybe the inner circle too) and there were lots of crying jags for 'no reason.' I admit to feeling suicidal for moments, moments that I quickly try to push away and try to get over, but I did have to promise my safety to a good friend. Thank God for friends.
This virus has hung on for a week now and is tiring. I am Much better than I was. The doctor told me to take Mucinex. I tried cough syrup but that made me feel loopy and anxious and the doctor (his wonderful nurse) said that was messing with my blood pressure and don't take that stuff anymore.
I went to Crisis Training yesterday and wouldn't you know it, it was on Suicide Prevention. Wow, I know we deal with tough stuff at the Center. I actually cried, because I feel that way. (How can I help others if I'm dealing with it myself?)
I tried to get out of there as quickly as possible but my friend caught up with me and I didn't want to look at her because she is so kind I knew I couldn't hold back. But she got me out of the car and wanted me to walk with her and I spilled what was bothering me. Everything is more amplified when I am sick, the fears, the problems seem unsurmountable when your energy is sapped and you just can't fight anymore. Sometimes I try so hard but there are time when you (I) must truly crawl into bed and rest and leave it for another day.
On an entirely different note, I have lost a total of 24 pounds. I haven't been very hungry or maybe my stomach is shrinking because I don't care about food, just enough to feed myself, which is actually a very enjoyable side-effect from all this. I admit I like feeling more in control, not a ravenous beast that must 'feed' like I swear some of the psychotropic medicines make you feel.
So far, still in reality which is a great blessing. Thinking about going back to bed for a little while.
I truly wish all well in the blogosphere. Thank you to all the well-wishers and new additions to readers of the blog. You have heartened the 'Tart with your love. Thank you.











